How Low Self-Confidence Can Lead to “People-Pleasing”

Here I am. Sitting on yet, another revelation, inspired by the external forces of talking with other humans (because having an external perspective is often imperative to instigate self-reflection).

Something I’ve battled my whole life is low self-confidence and wavering self-esteem. I’m cautious when new things come to play in my life because I question my abilities to handle them. I might worry about what people think of me and have a hard time accepting someone not liking me, feeling like I must have done something wrong to trigger that kind of response (when in fact people will say, do or feel however they choose and there’s nothing you can do about it).

Self-Esteem: confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect.

Self-Confidence: a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment.

The nightmare of low self-esteem and self-confidence issues are that if there ingrained enough, deeply rooted enough, that it starts to turn you into a “people pleaser.”

A people pleaser, at its very worst, is a “chameleon.” I dated someone like this once. What I thought was this perfect relationship where we had, unreasonably, everything in common, turned out to be just a guy with extremely low self-esteem, who would cater himself to the people he was around (to appease them). I once saw him change colors, right before my very eyes! Not only was this inauthentic to who he was (and he truly was a great guy, just not my kind of guy) but it was toxic for him and for others around him.

I’ve noticed a particular behavior I’ve developed that is attributed to those who we call, “people-pleasers.” I shut down when faced with emotional opposition, disagreement or difference and apologize for feeling the way I feel, even when I know I’ve done nothing wrong; then I often alter the way I express my feelings, even when I know it’s not a true representation of how I actually feel.

This bleeds into interactions I have with important people in my life. It terrifies me thinking that someone I care for could somehow be offended, hurt, dislike or disagree with the way I feel. It also comes from a place of fear… Fear of being wrong or failing. That terrifies me and manifests through my low self-confidence by how I emotionally express myself. It makes me rely on others validating my feelings in order for me to express them.

However, in the face of adversity… In the circumstances of logical conversation where I’m confident, I have no problem standing firm in what I believe. I have no problem talking and debating and saying “I respectfully, disagree (and do not plan on agreeing with you ever).” I easily correct people who misuse a camera because it’s something I’m confident and familiar in. I tell people what I like to do in my free time and I wear whatever I want, even though people like my mom say it’s weird or eccentric. These are all things I have self-justified and have confidence in.

So why is it that I’m a people pleaser only with my emotions?

Because I’m quick to believe that my feelings are invalid due to people not accepting or agreeing with them.

To Accept: believe or come to recognize (an opinion, explanation, etc.) as valid or correct.

I’ve always leaned on my dad for meaningful advice when relationships go awry or life throws new, scary situations at me. Don’t get me wrong, he gives INSANE advice, just based on the sheer fact that he has more life experience than I do (and he’s known me my whole life).

However, believing that someone else needs to validate how you feel, is wrong. You can’t seek that kind of external validation. It can only be found from within you.

Something I’ve realized is that self-validation is necessary for life success. Why else would we choose to do or say the things we do, if not fundamentally rooted in our own self-confidence? We have to trust and respect our own competence and abilities when making choices literally everyday.

Feelings aren’t permanent. How we feel in this moment, our mood, will change. But that shouldn’t discredit how we feel and our ability to feel in the way that we do… And just because someone doesn’t feel the same way, or doesn’t agree with the way we feel, doesn’t make it wrong.

When we discredit out feelings, we are experiencing emotional invalidation.

Emotional invalidation is in fact, a form of emotional abuse. And when it’s self-inflicted, especially for long periods of time, it can have a slew of side effects.

I know that my own tendency to act shaky with emotional expression is because of my low self-confidence. It stems from being my own worst critic, from comparing myself to others (as many of us do when we shouldn’t) and feeling afraid of what I don’t know.

But as I’ve built my relationship with God over the years and am trusting more in his plan for my life, my confidence has grown stronger. What used to be a constant worry of what people thought of me, has turned into a lingering anxious voice in the background. My ability to express my beliefs and opinions have gotten better as I’ve grown feeling more competent, self-validating my logic. However, one thing I’ve neglected, is crediting my ability to feel a certain way about something, just because it’s how I feel.

We shouldn’t and don’t need external validation or reason for how we feel.

I know now that I might not have a “logical” reason in the eyes of others for how I feel. I shouldn’t discredit how I feel because “somebody doesn’t like it” or doesn’t agree with it, or just feels differently. Sure, our society tells us we have to be politically correct and against “hate speech” — which at this point is essentially anything that could potentially offend another person (with can be ANYTHING)…. and that doesn’t help the people that are struggling with self-validation and feeling confident enough to express who they are. However, at the end of the day…

We are choosing how valuable and important we are.

I respect that you may disagree. That’s the beauty of us having our freedoms. But this is how I feel.