Part 1 — Personality Complexes: You Aren’t Helpless.
I’m not sure how many personality complexes are out there, it’s hard to say, but I do know that there are 3 major ones that plague society. Meet the victim, the god, and the savior complex.
Before we get started
The whole point of doing all this research and writing a whole flipping blog article (actually 3 of them) about a couple of personality complexes is to help shed some light on a very serious issue in our society today.
Disclaimer: I’m not a psychologist, I’m just a really passionate person who wants to open up a dialogue about this. Personality complexes stunt our growth and prevent us from being the best, most authentic versions of ourselves. It also can deeply wound our personal relationships and how we view ourselves. If you’re ready to keep reading, I’m so excited. Let’s do this together!
It seems easy to feel like the world is against you… That nothing seems to ever go your way and that you don’t have any control over your life or your circumstances. But you’re lying to yourself if you believe that. Here’s why.
God gives us a sense of purpose and reaffirms our self-worth… Something the world cannot, and will not ever do for us.
Maybe, for those who are suffering from a constant feeling of defeat and a lack of motivation to change or make a change in the world… Something more might be going on here. My first response would be to explore your relationship with God. And maybe you already have that. If you do, then perhaps you’re battling a personality complex. In fact, there’s a name for it. It’s called the victim complex.
The victim complex
Also known as “the martyr complex” is someone who always feels, despite contrary evidence, that their misfortunes, shortcomings and “evil done” and/or “evil suffered” (more on this later) is the direct result of the negative actions of others, which they have no control over.
Sounds like your glorified pessimist, right?
Only, a person suffering from the victim complex isn’t just a pessimist. There are passive insecurities manifesting here through self-hatred, powerlessness and rage.
The victim complex can originate from past trauma or abandonment. You can typically spot the victim complex through passive-aggressive behavior, continuous self-deprecation, depression, and a “quitting” spirit. Because the person with the victim complex feels powerless and hopeless, they often lack a strong moral compass or healthy personal boundaries, which translates into a lack of respect for other people’s personal boundaries.
“Evil Suffered:” This Always Happens to Me.
The victim complex convinces the individual that, naturally, any and all harmful actions that affect them are the results of others’ actions and never from their own actions. Not only that, but they often feel that they deserve the harm, or “evil suffered,” because of their poor self-image.
“Well, this always happens to me.”
“I’m not good enough, therefore I get what I deserve.”
“Nothing will ever change, I’ll never change.”
Yet, sometimes there’s still some false glimmer of hope for people with victim complexes. They can be extremely codependent in romantic relationships, seeking out and looking for a significant other who has an over-caring, fixer-upper approach. They have hope that perhaps if there’s any chance for them, that someone else might be able to fix them (or at least make them feel better about themselves). However, this doesn’t last long, and soon enough, both individuals in the relationship burn out.
Someone else can’t fix how you view yourself, only you can fix that.
“Evil Done:” I Can’t Help Myself, The World Made Me a Terrible Person.
Let’s admit it, sometimes it seems easier to deny our hand in something bad happening and it’s easier to blame others for our actions. As if we have no control over ourselves, no free will or active choice in how we behave or who we are.
“My parents were terrible to me, so I don’t know any better.”
“My last ex cheated on me, so I can’t help myself.”
“I was bullied, so I’m cold and distant now.”
Here’s maybe an uncomfortable truth… Our past experiences shape us the way we allow them to shape us. Sure, it’s easy to blame others for the way we act. But, at the end of the day, we’re making conscious choices to act the way we do. And as an adult, you are responsible for your choices and actions.
“Evil done” by people with victim complexes who don’t take the blame, is the result of an inability to take responsibility, because of a lack of self-confidence and sense of self-worth. It’s a passive way of avoiding taking ownership for any kind of harm done or failure, because the person’s identity is already fractured enough.
Victim complexes end up treating others with no sense of boundaries or self-accountability. So how does one cure a victim complex?
Let go of your past.
I just finished this book, The Half-lived Life, Overcoming Passivity and Rediscovering your Authentic Self by John Lee which beautifully illustrates the deep roots that our pasts have in us. When we experience abandonment, betrayal, or trauma, even back to before our memory can serve us well, we carry those unresolved emotional experiences with us into our present-day relationships. As adults, we have a choice to allow our past emotional experiences to define and dictate our present feelings and view on our self-worth, or we can choose to let them go, completely freeing ourselves.
Practice gratitude.
It’s easier to complain about things not going your way. Or complaining about other people’s actions and failures and how they’ve negatively impacted you. That’s why so many people become chronic complainers. Just by saying what you’re thankful for something at least once a day for 21 days can create a healthy habit of gratitude. It rewires your brain to start looking for the positives in your life, rather than the negatives. It inspires hope and ignites motivation. Soon enough you’ll feel empowered to take accountability and not so afraid that it’ll destroy the little sense of self-worth that you have.
The only person who can fix how you view yourself is you.
Do not let the world define who you are. The world is always changing and is completely unreliable. It’s like building your identity on shifting sand. You must love yourself and fix how you view yourself (enhance your self-worth) in order to feel better, more confident, and more fulfilled. No other human or worldly thing can do that for you!
If you are having a hard time finding the strength to love yourself or the reason to, I urge you to pray or practice silent self-affirmations, whether you’re a Christian or not. Silence has the power to let your mind and your heart listen to the voices inside of you. But rather than letting the voices of doubt, fear, or hate take over, push them away and listen to the voices of love, peace, grace, and forgiveness.
The bible is another place to find your sense of self-worth. As Christians, we are called to fulfill a higher purpose through God’s love. It’s so powerful and fulfilling!
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2)
God made you. Own that.
Have confidence — trust in God. He has proven time and time again that he always fulfills his promises.
God made you. He made all of us, in His image. Therefore we were made with intent and purpose!
Take responsibility and assign accountability.
Know that there’s a difference between responsibility and accountability and that we can’t bear the burden of both. Take responsibility for your actions, whether good or bad… But assign accountability. Do not take accountability for the harm someone else has committed against you. If an ex cheats on you, they are accountable for their actions. You didn’t deserve it, no matter how easy you are convinced. If one of your parents was never there for you, that’s not because you were a “bad kid.” You aren’t accountable for other people’s actions. But you should be responsible for yours. This also helps establish healthy personal boundaries which are key in being the best version of you!
The biggest takeaways when it comes down to it is this — if you’re suffering from the victim complex, it’s time for a shift in perspective. Stop worrying about not being good enough. The truth is, you were made with intention and purpose. God validates us by his Grace in Jesus and he reassures us that the power within us is able to make a change in the world and in our own lives. Don’t deny yourself that.