The Issues with Servitude and The Search for Acceptance, Validation and Unconditional Love
I think in some ways, humans naturally have tendencies to want to “serve” some kind of being, concept, or idea. Perhaps another way of looking at it is idolizing something. Through our servitude we hope to acquire something, often that thing is unconditional love that surpasses our imperfections, shortcomings, and mistakes. Something that validates us, accepts us, and makes us feel whole. Keep this in mind for the next part.
There are three major ways that our servitude manifests.
1. We Choose to Serve Ourselves.
2. We Choose to Serve Others.
3. We Choose to Serve a god or God (we’ll talk about the difference here in a bit).
1. We Choose to Serve Ourselves.
I think this one is the most obvious kind of servitude or idolization in the world; it’s also the first kind of servitude we discover as children through seeking out pleasure and avoiding pain or punishment.
Serving ourselves often leads to a form of self-centeredness or narcissism. This kind of person takes advantage of others for their own gain, sometimes even seemingly unaware of the damage or harm they’re doing to others- all in an effort to serve themselves. They are constantly chasing after this high of self-importance, and have a really hard time listening to others when they’ve done something wrong or made a mistake because it would mean facing the reality that self-servitude isn’t sustainable or healthy.
Self-serving individuals start this kind of servitude from a very humble, vulnerable place. It comes from a desire to feel important, loved, validated, wanted, etc., What ends up happening is by choosing to serve themselves, these individuals inflate their egos in order to cover their feelings of imperfection. Again, this form of servitude isn’t sustainable long-term and often does more damage than good.
2. We Choose to Serve Others.
This might sound kind of contradictory when I say that serving others does not benefit anyone. “Well then why does God call us to serve others?” you might ask. Or maybe, “isn’t serving others a good thing? The selfless thing to do?” Let me explain.
Serving others in this context is not the same as being called to serve others as it is written about in the bible.
When I say “serving others,” I’m referring to idolizing others’ opinions, standards, and expectations; letting others drive your life’s purpose, your identity and sense of worth.
Rather than becoming self-serving, the individual has such a low sense of self-worth and/or self-confidence that they choose to find their acceptance, love, and validation from others by seeking to “serve” others through people-pleasing.
Much like self-serving individuals, people-pleasers are also constantly chasing this high, except it comes in the form of being “liked” by others. They’re constantly going out of their way to sacrifice their time and energy to please others, resulting in the people-pleasers feeling emotionally drained. People-pleasers, also known as chameleons, will verbally sacrifice their word, opinions, beliefs, and even morals in order to be accepted or “loved” by others.
Again, this form of servitude, much like serving ourselves, is not sustainable long-term and never leads to ultimate fulfillment. People-pleasers eventually burnout and end up in a lot of dead-end relationships. They also tend to develop social anxiety and/or depression and lose touch with their true authentic selves.
3. We Choose to Serve a god or the God (we’ll talk about the difference here now).
So, we have two different things here. We’ve got the “a god” servitude, and the God servitude. Let’s start with the first one.
Serving “a god” can manifest in various ways. One way might be serving a person as an idol — a celebrity, a family member, a group, etc. Another way is through a concept, program, trend, or lifestyle — something less tangible but recognizable by others. An example would be idolizing a celebrity’s lifestyle or maybe just money. This is what I mean by serving “a god.”
“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.” (Matthew 6:24)
When someone hopes to find that validation, love, and acceptance through something in this world, it’s usually a man-made fabrication, which has many faults, making it incapable of serving such a purpose.
So, we are left with the last option. Serving God.
“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:16–19)
The very thing that so many of us consciously search for is an unconditional love with the grace to cover our mistakes, sins, shortcomings, and imperfections, forgiving us always, and accpeting us for who we are, no matter our past or our flaws.
God is the prime example of this love we desperately search for and need.
When we serve God, loving others and ourselves becomes a little easier.
Knowing that God is the one we serve, who loves us unconditionally, and never breaks his promises, makes loving others easier. We become less worried about what we’re getting out of relationships because we’re filled with God’s love for us, so our generosity should be overflowing for others. This is what it means to serve others. To love them as God loves us.
When we serve God, we feel confident in the fact that His love is unstoppable.
Human-love will NEVER be God’s unconditional love, although we can see glimpses of it in our relationships. From parent to child, spouse to spouse and friend to friend. Or even the kind acts of a stranger. But Serving God is serving unconditional love, which fulfills our desires to be forgiven, accepted, and validated.
When we serve God, we don’t have to search anymore.
One of the things that woke me up from sleeping on my relationship with God was the fact that I was still constantly searching for love and validation from others. I was a people-pleaser. When I realized that the unconditional love that I was looking for in others could never be found, it crippled me, feeding my insecurities, my ego (as a byproduct to try to cope), and my lack of self-confidence. I thought something was wrong with me, and that’s why I wasn’t finding unconditional love in my relationships with others.
But when you serve God, you don’t have to search for that validation, acceptance, and unconditional love anymore (and thank God too, because you’ll never find it anywhere else in such an abundantly perfect form).
I Encourage You to Look at Who You Serve. Is it God? Should You Change Who You Serve?
If you’re curious about how to acquire God’s unconditional love, it’s not much work at all. In fact, God already gives you that love, we just have to accept it. It’s in the story of Jesus Christ in the bible, and when we accept Jesus, when we acknowledge, understand, and accept that God is the only person who can give us the love, grace and acceptance we desire.